Expecting the Spanish Inquisition

…the great terror of my infancy was a lurid coloured print entitled “All Hope Abandon”, purporting to show what happened when the Spanish Inquisition got hold of you — which they undoubtedly would, my nurse assured me, if I didn’t eat my crusts, or farted in Church.

Flashman and the Angel of the Lord, p.117, Harper Collins, 1995.



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Practising pagan

…there’s one rule, as a practicing pagan, that I don’t break if I can help — never offend the local tribal gods; it ain’t lucky.


Flashman and the Angel of the Lord, p.80, Harper Collins, 1995.


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Religion and ignorance

That’s what comes of religion and keeping women in ignorance.


Flashman and the Mountain of Light, p.130, Fontana Paperback edition, 1991.


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Much beastliness

Like much beastliness in the world, suttee is inspired by religion, which means there’s no sense or reason to it…


Flashman and the Mountain of Light, p.130, Fontana Paperback edition, 1991.


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Consolation of religion

Were Carpenter and his wife sufficiently demented for that? Presumably; if you’re religious you can believe anything.

Flashman and the Dragon, p.28, Fontana Paperback edition, 1986.

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One invariable rule

…there were many Sioux burial platforms, mostly broken and derelict, but some quite new, and the troops thought it great fun to scatter them to bits. I remarked in Terry’s hearing that it was bad medicine—for one thing, his Ree and Crow scouts wouldn’t like it—and he ordered it stopped. If you wonder why I put in my oar, I’ll answer that I’ve soldiered far and hard enough to learn one invariable rule, superstition or not: never monkey with the local gods. It don’t pay.


Flashman and the Redskins, p.289, Pan Books edition, 1983.



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Sane in solitary confinement

I’ve heard of chaps who kept themselves sane in solitary confinement by singing all the hymns they knew, or proving the propositions of Euclid, or reciting poetry. Each to his taste: I’m no hand at religion, or geometry, and the only respectable poem I can remember is an Ode to Horace which Arnold made me learn as a punishment for farting at prayers. So instead I compiled a mental list of all the women I’d had in my life, from the sweaty kitchen maid in Leicestershire when I was fifteen, up to the half-caste piece I’d been reprimanded for at Cawnpore, and to my astonishment there were four hundred and seventy-eight of them, which seemed rather a lot, especially since I was counting return engagements. It’s astonishing really, when you think how much time it must have taken up.

Flashman in the Great Game, p.309, Pan edition, 4th printing, 1979.

Kindling cruelty

There’s nothing like a spirit of righteous retribution for kindling cruelty in a decent, kindly, God-fearing man – I, who am not one, and have never needed any virtuous excuse for my bestial indulgences, can tell you that.

Flashman in the Great Game, p.185, Pan edition, 4th printing, 1979.

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The purpose of religion

…the heathen creeds, for all their nonsensical mumbo-jumbo, were as good as any for keeping the rabble in order, and what else is religion for?

Flashman in the Great Game, p.127, Pan edition, 4th printing, 1979.

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Flashman on religion

…I’ve never been fool enough to confuse religion with belief in God.

Flashman in the Great Game, p.127, Pan edition, 4th printing, 1979.

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A quiet morning for Flashman

…I was lounging in the camp’s little market, improving my Persian by learning the ninety-nine names of God (only the Bactrian camel knows the hundredth, which is why they look so deuced superior) from an Astrabad caravan-guard-turned-murderer…

Flashman at the Charge, p.251, Pan edition, 5th printing, 1979.

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A chorus of disapproval

Lola stamped her foot, and shouted after him, ‘Damned papist hypocrite!’ and at this the sycophantic crowd in the ante-chamber broke out in a chorus of sympathy and reproach.
‘Jesuit impertinence!’
‘Intolerable affront!’
‘Scandalous insolence!’
‘Silly old bastard’ (this was Starnberg’s contribution.)
‘Impossible arrogance of these prelates,’ says a stout, florid man near me.
‘I’m Church of England myself,’ says I.

Royal Flash, p.79, Pan edition, 8th printing, 1978.

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